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I really want black desert online

I really want black desert online. I was a really shitty person in the past. I'm trying everything I can to do things the right way. I'm not sure if you'll see this, and it probably doesn't matter if you do. This is more for myself about how messed up I was, and how confused I am. I don't really know what I'm doing but anyways, I just felt like sharing my story with someone...


When I grew up I was really -----ed up. I went to a boarding school, and I think when I was 5 I was molested. I don't really remember much, but yeah. and I have no proof. I moved to a new place and every one was really nice to me! I met a lot of nice people, I didn't know how to spell my name back then, because english was not my first language. I moved again soon after, I went to a new school and forgot about the friends I made. This time, I made a lot of new friends. But I was mean, I was a bully. I was and still am to a certain degree a sadist. I enjoyed hurting people, which sounds really bad when you say it huh! I don't know why... probably because I'm messed up even though I try to hide it... I just enjoyed when other people suffered. I was such a -----, and still am. For example, I would aim snowballs at my "friends" eyes. I don't know why, I just felt good hurting people. When I kept doing that, people eventually turned against me. They, rightfully, beat me up. I learned my lesson.


A few years later, I became friends with a guy that lived closed to me. We played video games every time we can. It was messed up because he would always steal from me. I know he would do that, but I never confronted him. I just tried to guilt trip him into returning whatever he stole. He never stole anything big though. I think this affected me. He wasn't the cause for it, because I also stole (from my grandparents before when I was really little), but I began stealing again. I stole from a kid his DS, and I stole a disk from another "friend". I tried to steal chargers... stuff from grocery store... my mom found out and she was mad. But she was never that mad it seemed.


I had to move again, this time I went to a completely new place with a new language. The kids there were mean, I was in fifth grade. A guy kept bullying me and I went from a guy that was able to talk with people to being so afraid. I was afraid of him. He would always try to take things from me. And the moment I saw him I would give it to him and run before he even asked. It was messed up. A year later I changed schools again. This time, I started missing schools regularly.


I didn't really think of it back then, but now looking back I hated going to school. Playing video games became my escape, I loved Starcraft 2, Diablo, etc. (all the blizzard games). I stole from my mother, I took cash from her wallet and bought myself these titles because I could not bring myself to ask her directly for money because I know she would say no. I know its because she cares about me and does not want me to get addicted into these games, but I just didnt want to be afraid every night she went to work from night and return the next morning. I was afraid, and I was home alone. Watching TV and playing video games was like my way of not being alone. I cried constantly and I missed school a lot so I could stay home and play. I would play when my mother was not home, and in the middle of the night. 

I graduated elementary school and went to a really nice school. Everyone there was nice. Before, people told me that I was for sure gonna get bullied, but I didnt! I kept missing school though to play Starcraft. I made friends or at least I thought. But all I thought was how to use them when the time came. I thought about how to use them and when I didn't need them anymore I would "backstab" them. I was a truely awful person, but I was nice on the outside. I didn't have many friends though but at least I had some. Eventually though, I thought about getting "better" friends. You know? Be with the people you want to be like. These people were complete assholes to me, mostly because it was my fault too. I was a bad friend, I was probably too annoying, and always asked for them to do things for me, like "copy their notes" when I missed weeks and weeks of classes. Eventually my old, good friends left me because they thought I didnt like them anymore. No matter how much I tried to get back with them it just was not the same. They moved on. 


In my freshman year at college, I failed my first semester. I was utterly addicted to video games that I was thinking of "going pro". I thought of playing video games for a living. My mom did not support me, which I knew. I tried living on my own and just going for it, but I also wanted to be successful (in a school/career type of way). Originally I planned to be able to go pro and go to school. But me failing school meant I had to choose one. Because my mother did not support me playing video games, and me playing video games meant I was going to have to manage all by myself somehow. I took the easy way out and said I was going back to school ( which at one point I thought I was going to drop out off and fully commit to video games).


I got my computer taken away the following semester. I was terribly depressed, I turned to watching animes, reading mangas to fill the gap left by video games. Because to me, video games was everything, that was all I spent my time doing. My grades however, went up. I have high 90s in almost all of my classes. I can however only even touch computer during holidays (like right now). And throughout all of this I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on video games. I bought all the best "pack" all the collectors editions. I have multiples copy of every game because I wanted to "start  over" every time. It was my way of telling myself, that starting from today, I want to be someone new. I would spent hours and hours trying to come up with a new user name, and find a persona and an idol to copy. Each time though, it's failed. I always managed to "mess up" some how and go back to my old, manulative, cruel self. 


Right now, this is where I'm at. I don't have the ability to buy any more games and I am restricted in so many ways. But I still do love video games. To me they are and will always be everything. I guess, I just want, black desert online. I want to just make a ranger, play by myself, and try to constantly become a "good" person that I set out to do again. I just want to do it the right way this time, and I know this probably might not make any sense, and you might not even read it. But am I glad to be able to share that with someone.